Канонический юмор

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Здесь я хотел бы собрать анекдоты - смешные фразы или ситуации, прямо из буддийского канона, которые там оказались или благодаря переводчикам или еще как.

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Сколько там миров?

"Maitreya, 'objects that are abodes' are the worldly realms: realms of sentient beings that appear in various places. These include: a village, one hundred villages, one thousand of these, or one hundred thousand of these; a region, one hundred of these, or one hundred thousand of these; a Jambudvipa, on hundred of these, one thousand of these, or one hundred thousand of these; the four great continents, on hundred of these, one thousand of these, or one hundred thousand of these; a universe of a thousand worlds, one hundred of these, one thousand of these, or one hundred thousand of these; a medium-sized universe of two thousand worlds, one hundred of these, one thousand of these, or one hundred thousand of these; a great universe of three thousand worlds, one hundred of these, one thousand of these, or one hundred thousand of these, then million of these, one hundred times ten million of these, on hundred thousand times of ten million of these, incalculable number of these, one hundred times an incalculable number of these, one thousand times an incalculable number of these, one hundred thousand times an incalculable number of these, or a number equal to however many atomic particles there are in the dust motes in a hundred thousand times an incalculable number of the great trichilocosms of the immeasurable, incalculable universes of the ten directions. (The Samdhinirmochana Sutra, tr. John Powers, p. 175)

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За подаянием.

The Bodhisattva Manjusri went one morning into the city of Sravasti to practise seeking for alms. He placed his yellow robe in order, took his begging bowl and sieve, and, following the example of the Buddha, though imperfectly, his walk was quiet and beautiful ... The Bodhisattva Nagasri (who was learning the perfection of wisdom from Manjusri) saw him enter the city, accompanied by an enormous crowd, and asked him, "What are you doing?
Manjusri answered: I enter this city in order to beg, full of thoughts of compassion. Great will be the advantage produced by wisdom. I will practise begging in order to save all gods and men in the world, and to become the great guide of beings.
Nagasri asked Manjusri: How is it that you have not yet forsaken the notion of seeking for alms?
Manjusri: I have forsaken that notion from the point of view of existence; from the point of view of nonexistence there is no forsaking, nor anything that could be forsaken. This is what is called the pure seeking for alms on the part of the Bodhisattvas.
Manjusri: When one practises the seeking for alms, one must have no thought of lifting the feet, nor of putting them down, nor of standing, going forward, going backward, bending and straighteningthe body, nor of a place, nor of walking. One must not have the notion of a town, road, path, house or door, of men or women, of young people or weak people, nor of form or figure, of production of extinction.
Nagasri: Son of good family, seek for alms (in Sravasti) in the East!
Manjusri: East, west, south and north, do they exists in a way any more real than a magically created will o' the wisp?
Nagasri: I will go away (from Sravasti) because there is no Bodhisattva who is Crown Prince to accompany me.
Manjusri: I neither come nor do I go away. I have no companion, no associate. Why is this? It is because the Path has no companion.
Nagasri: This is proper time prescribed by the Vinaya for us to go together and seek for alms in the city. I am aware of the time of the day in order to go on time and not to be too late.
Manjusri: Dharmas are not in time; and so one cannot let (the opportune moment) pass. [...] (Perfection of Wisdom: The Short Prajnaparamita Texts, tr. Edward Conze, The Questions of Nagasri. p. 192.)

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Furthermore, a Bodhisattva will not be afraid in a district infested by epidemic. But he should consider, reflect and deliberate that 'there is no dharma here which sickness could oppress, nor is that which is called 'sickness' is a dharma." In that manner he should contemplate emptiness, and he should not be afraid. But he should not think that "it will be an excessively long time before I shall win full enlightment," and he should not tremble at such a thought. For that thought-moment [which in reality has not been produced] is the extreme limit of something which has no beginning; in other words, it is the absence of a limit. A Bodhisattva should therefore avoid dwelling in his mind on difficulties, and he should think that "great and long is this limit which has no beginning, for it is connected with one single thought-moment, in other words, it is the absence of a limit." This will prevent a Bodhisattva from trembling at the thought that it will be long before he will win full enlightment. (The Perfection of Wisdom in Eight Thousand Lines & Its Verse Summary. tr. E. Conze. p.218)

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3. Then the king said, “Venerable sir, will you discuss with me again?”
“If your majesty will discuss as a scholar, yes; but if you will discuss as a king, no.”
“How is it then that scholars discuss?”
“When scholars discuss there is a summing up and an unravelling; one or other is shown to be in error. He admits his mistake, yet he does not become angry.”
“Then how is it that kings discuss?”
“When a king discusses a matter and advances a point of view, if anyone differs from him on that point he is apt to punish him.”
“Very well then, it is as a scholar that I will discuss. Let your reverence talk without fear.”
“It is well your majesty.”
“Nàgasena, I will ask a question”, said the king.
“Ask it sir.”
“I have asked it, your reverence.”
“Then I have answered.”
“What have you answered?”
“What have you asked?”
Thinking, “This monk is a great scholar, he is quite able to discuss things with me”, the king instructed his minister, Devamantiya, to invite him to the palace with a large company of monks and went away muttering, “Nàgasena, Nàgasena.”
The Debate of King Milinda. Bhikkhu Pesala, 2001.

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78. You should ask me thus, O son! Why do you ask me otherwise? How many atoms are there in the body of a Pratyekabuddha, of a Śrāvaka, of a Buddha, and of a Bodhisattva? (32) Why do you not ask me in this wise?

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Not by birth is one an outcaste,
Not by birth is one a brahmin;
By (one's) deeds, one is an outcaste,
By (one's) deeds, one is a brahmin.
(Sn 142)

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    The Lord: So it is, Subhuti. It is in this sense that a Bodhisattva will, after he has known full enlightenment, become the resort of countless beings.
    Subhuti: A doer of what is hard is the Bodhisattva who has armed himself with this armour: "Immeasurable and incalculable beings I shall lead to Nirvana."
    The Lord: The armour of such a Bodhisattva is, however, not connected with form, etc., nor is it put on for the sake of form, etc. It is not connected with the level of a Disciple, or a Pratyekabuddha, or a Buddha, nor put on for their sake. For surely unconnected with all dharmas is that armour of a Bodhisattva who is armed with the great armour.
    Subhuti: Three standpoints one should not desire for a Bodhisattva who is armed with the great armour and who courses thus in deep wisdom. Which three? The level of a Disciple, or of a Pratyekabuddha, or of a Buddha. [301]
    The Lord: For what reason do you say that? It is, of course, impossible, it cannot be, that such a Bodhisattva should belong to the vehicle of the Disciples or Pratyekabuddhas. But, since he put on his armour for the sake of all beings, surely he should desire the level of a Buddha. [Asta, Conze, 1974. p190.]